AMightyCrowdedDarkplacedotcock
by SparkieSchteff
Summary: Centered around the Boosh, a bumper crossover including three other of my favourite shows. Disclaimer inside. Vince and Howard get a trainee, help capture an escaped goth and even visit a Darkplace. Rated M for Nathan Barley cursing just in case
1. Trainee

**AMightyCrowdedDarkplace.co.ck.**

Ok...Yes naughty me for writing two stories at once but I couldn't ignore this idea.  
At the minute I am completely obsessed with all four shows listed below...And because I adore writing crossovers, I decided on a bumper crossover :)  
I need something to do to give me a nice break from coursework D: Anyway...I hope people enjoy this, not sure how many people have watched Nathan Barley and Garth Marenghi...Hopefully all of you, they're amazing shows :) 4oD them XD

Bumper disclaimer  
**The Mighty Boosh** belongs to Julian Barratt and Noel Fielding  
**The IT Crowd** belongs to Graham Linehan  
**Nathan Barley** belongs to Charlie Brooker and Chris Morris  
**Garth Marenghi's Darkplace** belongs to Matthew Holness and Richard Ayoade  
I own nothing but the boxsets, except GM's…I unfortunately do not own that yet

**Trainee**

Vince had only taken about three hours to style his hair and get dressed, a new record for himself. Howard had been sat waiting in the shop downstairs as per usual but was surprised to see his best friend waltz down the stairs in a sleepy daze only over two hours late instead of five or six hours.  
"Morning." Howard mumbled as he tapped his pen against the counter, Vince muttered a reply still half-asleep and sat in the chair by the window after scooping up his magazine.  
"Anything interesting gonna happen today?" The mod asked as he flicked through the glossy pages idly.  
"Doubt it." Howard carried on tapping the pen against the counter, the noise didn't annoy Vince only made him bob his head along with it, the shop was silent and dead for an hour and a half until finally Naboo and Bollo turned up from a Shaman party that started two nights ago.

"Alright Naboo?" Vince asked not bothering to look up from his magazine, the Shaman nodded and ordered his familiar to take their bags upstairs.  
"Where's the trainee?"

"The what?" Howard asked looking back the tiny Shaman looking confused. Naboo turned to Vince only to receive the same stare back, he sighed and dropped his arms down by his sides.  
"The trainee worker. My mate Claire Ashcroft phoned me up, asked if I could take him on. Said he needed a proper job to pay her back for something? I wasn't really listening."  
"Great, lot of help that is." Howard muttered while rolling his eyes, the Shaman ignored him and carried on.  
"He should have been here about three hours ago. Has no one been in at all?" Both men shook their heads at their flatmate who rolled his eyes "Keep an eye out for him then. I'm gonna go phone Claire." Before either men could speak, Naboo had disappeared up into the flat. The best friends shared a look of concern and puzzlement, Howard turned back to the pen and the counter while Vince lowered his magazine and stared out the window up and down the street.

"Wonder who it will be." He mumbled after a while of silence "Do you think it will be a cute girl, Howard?"  
"Is that all you ever think about? Girls?"  
"No…I think about how my hair looks too…And whether a certain top matches certain jeans…I don't just think about girls, how shallow do you think I am?" Howard stared at his dizzy friend and shook his head in bewilderment "Do you think that's the trainee?" Vince pointed to a young man across the road walking a dog, he had a mobile phone plastered to one ear and was talking rather angrily into it.  
"I hope not."

"What about her?" He pointed to a woman buying a coffee in the shop over the road.

"Probably not, Vince." Howard sighed showing he was getting frustrated.

"Maybe her…Or that guy, hope it isn't her though." He shuddered visually and continued to point out the window annoying his best friend further "Oh please let it be her!"

"Just shut up, Vince! The trainee is three hours late, what makes you think he or she is even going to bother turning up? And what makes you think they will be interested in you?"

"Everyone's interested in me, Howard." The older man shook his head again and was about to speak until Naboo came down from the flat.  
"Right, he's on his way. Claire found him in the backroom of the office havin' a spliff. She's bringin' him round. Just to warn you."  
"Thanks for giving us plenty of notice, Naboo." Howard pointed out slamming the pen onto the counter.

"You'll be fine. Just make him do the little jobs like sweep up and make the tea. As long as Claire gets her money for whatever he broke."

"He?" Vince asked looking curious turning his attention away from the street outside.

"Yeah, he. They'll be here in about five minutes so…Sort yourselves out and call me down when they arrive."  
"Will do." Vince nodded and turned back to the window "Wonder what he'll be like." Howard sighed and yet again rolled his eyes at the mod.


	2. A self facilitating media node

**It's great to see some positive reviews :) I was a little worried no one would be interested in it but I was wrong :)  
So here's another chapter and this is my first time writing any of the character's from Nathan Barley so I'm hoping I did a decent job of it  
It will also be my first time writing any Garth Marenghi characters and my first time writing Jen, Moss and Roy from IT Crowd but I'm up for it :)**

**Anyway...Enjoy and yes there is a hell load of swearing in this chapter, sorry if it offends anyone but Nathan Barley is rated an 18 :)  
Again, disclaimer: I don't own **

**xxx**

**A self-facilitating media node**

Vince tilted his head a little as he watched two people bicker outside the shop, a guy and a girl. The guy had two hands free devices in his ears; a pair of headphones round his neck, a messenger bag slung over his shoulder and was holding out a large yellow and black gadget in his hand. The girl had her hair tied back and looked heavily sleep deprived.  
"Hey Howard, I think they're here." Howard sighed and went to fetch Naboo as Vince carried on watching the two outside, he listened closely to their conversation until finally the girl burst into the shop dragging the guy behind her, she was in such a rush she didn't notice Vince was sat by the window.  
"Naboo? Hello!" She called as she strolled up to the counter "Hello?"  
"I'm coming." Came the lisped reply as the Shaman, Bollo and Howard emerged from the flat upstairs "Alright Claire?"

"Hey Naboo, Bollo. Sorry, don't know you…" She starred at Howard "But you look a lot like my brother…Dan Ashcroft?"

"Never heard of him." Howard shook his head and sat back down behind the counter.

"Yeah this is Howard and that's Vince." Naboo introduced them as Vince got up and dropped his magazine onto a display of trinkets.

"Alright?" He smiled as he approached them; Claire nodded back with a grin then turned her attention back to Naboo instantly.

"Right, sorry about him being late." She explained shooting the guy a stern look "And thank you for doing this for me Naboo."

"No problem, it'll give Howard and Vince something to do. What's he broken anyway?"

"My camera. My brother finally paid me the money back for it…It got taken by bailiffs." She explained briefly "Then Nathan here, broke it. So now he owes me."  
"And she's making me work for it." Nathan crossed his arms glumly while messing with the gadget in his hand that had caught Vince's attention.  
"Right well we've got plenty for him to do around here." Naboo nodded giving Claire a comforting smile.  
"Thank you." She smiled back but was interrupted with a large yawn "Sorry."  
"You should get some sleep."  
"Whenever I try Jones starts his crappy Dj-ing. He's driving me insane. He eventually stopped at ten in the morning today, when I got out of bed I found him fast asleep on the couch. My brother sleeps through it, no idea how, it's fucking bullshit."  
"Right well…Try anyway yeah, if he's asleep now?" Naboo lead her to the door of the shop, after assuring her everything would be fine he turned to give instructions "Right Nathan, this is my shop. Break anything and you pay for it, listen to Vince and Howard, they'll tell you what to do. Come on, Bollo." The Shaman and his familiar left the three downstairs in the flat to retreat to their Hookah.

Xxx

"Hey what's that?" Vince asked after a short while of silence from all three men, he pointed to the gadget in Nathan's hand.  
"Ah it's the Wasp T12 Speechtool. Check it out right, it's well weapon. Giant key for the number five 'cos it's a common number yeah, MP3 decks, prints business cards and it's got some pretty sick ringtones yeah." Nathan demonstrated his mobile to Vince who watched in amazement "And it's shark-proof." He nodded his head and grinned at the open mouthed mod.

"That is genius." Vince remarked while starring at the large round button for the number five.  
"Check out my website yeah." Nathan slammed his messenger bag onto the counter and pulled out a laptop "Got wireless for goin' places." He noted while logging onto the internet "Right, check this out…Trashbat dot cock." He showed the laptop screen to both Vince and Howard bringing up a black screen with boxes of videos in them "Click on diary to check out my new phone but you've already seen it. Check it anyway, yeah? Click pranks to see me pretend to spill coffee on Pingu. It was an empty cup!" He laughed and clicked the link to bring up the video, they erupted into laughter apart from Howard who watched and shook his head "Click videos to check out my new monkey animation, it's wild!"

"Yeah Nathan, you're here to work not show us your crappy website." Howard interrupted "Can you go make some tea please?"

"Yeah man, I'll have mine with six sugars. I'm feelin' adventurous. Cheers." Nathan grinned and turned back to his laptop "Fancy doin' an I-dent for my website?" He asked Vince who nodded still starring at the videos on the screen.

Xxx

"So what's a guy like you doin' in a shithole like this?" Nathan asked Vince after he had shown him every inch of his website and recorded an I-dent.  
"Jus-" The mod was cut off by a loud ringing full of screams and chainsaws, Nathan pressed a button on his phone and answered completely ignoring Vince and his reply.  
"Toby! You cock jockey, how's it hangin' man?" He walked off toward the door in deep and loud conversation.

"He's great in't he?" Vince half laughed as he leant against the counter where Howard was sat.  
"Yeah, just great." He mumbled as the phone rang "Hello?" He answered, then without another word passed the phone straight on to Vince. The conversation lasted only a couple of minutes but left the mod beaming "What was that about?"

"It was Jonatton Yeah? The editor of Sugar Ape."

"Sugar Ape?"

"Yeah, a magazine. One of the coolest apart from Cheekbone and Dazed and Confused of course." He retrieved the magazine he had left on the shelf with trinkets and showed it to Howard "This mag is genius. And Jonatton Yeah? Wants me to star in it! How cool is that?"  
"Star in it how?"

"Model the new fashion, y'know? Get with it Howard!"

"Right…When is this little interview?"

"Half an hour." Vince replied while pulling on a leopard skin coat which was hung by the wall "I'm goin' now though."

"You don't even know where the Sugar Ape office is."

"Sugar Ape office? Ah I know that place, got connections with it, y'know? I'll take you." Nathan added as soon as he had ended his call. He packed away his laptop and slung the bag back over his shoulder then reconnected his hands free devices "Let's go then." He headed for the door with Vince behind him "Keep it real man, peace and fuckin'; believe!"  
"Yeah, I'll see you later Howard." Both men left leaving only a ring from the bell above the door behind them.  
"Idiots."


	3. SUGARape

**Attack of the monster update! I got carried away, I'm lovin' writing this tbh :)  
Hopefully I got the SUGARape characters right, I'm pretty happy with them :)  
Anyway...Enjoy this :D  
And yes we will get back to Howard soon  
xxx**

**SUGARape**

"So how do you have connections at this place?" Vince asked while walking down the street with Nathan who had stuck yellow stickers promoting his website to anything that did and didn't move.  
"Trashbat dot cock yeah?" He announced after slapping another sticker to a woman's handbag "I know the Preacher man, yeah. Dan Ashcroft?"  
"Yeah, he's the guy that wrote that article, Rise of the Idiots?"  
"The very same man. Dude's a legend." He grinned while attaching another sticker to the coat of an eight-year old boy "Trashbat dot cock. Check it out when you're older, yeah?" He received an awful glare from the child's mother but didn't notice "So you got an interview or somethin?"  
"Yeah."  
"About what then? Trashbat dot cock yeah? Party tomorrow, be there. Peace and fuckin!" He called to another passer-by while attacking them with a sticker and a leaflet.  
"They wanna have a chat about the latest fashions I've got goin' on."  
"Oh yeah, what you got in mind for them then?"

"The mirror ball suit."

Xxx

Nathan pushed the silver button underneath the name of the magazine, seconds later came a voice.  
"Sugar Ape, who's that?"  
"Alright mate, it's Nathan Barley 'ere with ma main man Vince Noir."  
"Barley! Barley! Barley!" The voice chanted followed by a buzz of the door.  
"Here we go, told you I had connections." Nathan lead the way up the stairs into an office that was heavily decorated in posters and spray paint, gadgets littered the place amongst the few desks of computers. A pinball machine was even set up in the corner "Alright lads, Barley is present!" He announced when they reached the top of the stairs.  
"Hey Barley man, what's this new video about on your website yeah?" One of the guys asked, he was sat at a computer staring at the screen, Nathan wandered over and pulled up a chair helping himself while Vince stayed at the front desk.  
"Can I help you?" A woman asked looking up at Vince who looked lost but excited.  
"Yeah, I'm Vince Noir. Here for an interview."  
"Okay, take a seat and I'll buzz Jonatton Yeah?"  
"Alright cheers…" He looked around and saw no available seats instead Nathan beckoned him over to the computer he was sat at.  
"Check this out right, you too Vince. This is known as Kegging, right. Watch this, it's totally fucking Mexico!" Vince watched the video and erupted into laughter along with the employees and Nathan.  
"Mister Noir?" The woman called "Vince!" She tried again this time getting his attention "Mr Yeah? Will see you now."  
"Alright cheers." He left the boys at the computer and headed toward Jonatton's office, he knocked once and waited.  
"Come in." Came a voice "Are you up for this job?" the voice continued to another person who was in the room "Ah come in Vince, take a seat. I'll only be a minute." He smiled and turned back to the man sat in front of his desk "Well?"  
"Yes." The man mumbled.  
"Hmm?"  
"Yes." He said louder with a sigh and a hint of desperation in his voice.  
"Great well the exhibition will be tomorrow. I expect a full on interview with the artist and a complete article by the end of the week. This is going to be front cover news, Dan. Don't fuck it up."  
"Right."  
"Cos if you do I won't pay you." He spoke in a childlike voice to the man who just rolled his eyes and starred off into a corner of the room "Right, are we clear then?"  
"Yeah."  
"Good, bye then. Hello there Vince."  
"Alright?" Vince grinned at both the man who got up and the editor.  
"Oh Dan hang on, take a seat again. This is Vince Noir, here for an interview about fashion for this week's magazine. I want you to interview him."  
"Ok yep." He replied sitting back down and starring at the floor.  
"Vince Noir meet Dan Ashcroft, one of our top writers."  
"Alright?" Vince flashed his famous grin again but got half a smile in return.  
"Go on then, get on with the interview!"  
"Right ok, this way then." Dan got up and left with Vince following behind him.  
"So where we gonna do this?" Vince asked trying to make conversation on the way back to the main office.  
"My computer." Was the short and unenthusiastic reply. When they entered the office Vince noticed Dan sighed heavily when he caught sight of Nathan sat by a computer with a couple of the other writers "Take a seat." He mumbled when they reached his desk, Vince pulled across a chair and sat patiently "So…Fashion, right?"  
"Yeah."  
"So…"  
"So…What do you want me to talk about?"  
"Well let's start with your latest style." Dan waved a hand at Vince's outfit then scanned it properly "What is that?" He asked uncertainly.  
"Ah this is genius right, this is the mirrorball suit, yeah? This my friend, is a break through on the sewing machine!" He motioned at the shinny full piece jumpsuit he had on "Check out the white platform boots, perfect for height, they match and don't stand out."  
"Right?"  
"Hood for when it rains or for when you're having a bad hair day, I don't use that often, don't really need it."  
"You never go out when it rains?"  
"No…I never get bad hair days."  
"Oh."  
"And the coat, this is a top designer label from Top Shop. Genius shop right, I model for them in my spare time." He nodded and crossed one leg over the other.

"Okay…" Dan muttered while making notes on a pad "And what inspires you?"  
"Myself."  
"Pardon?"  
"Myself." Vince nodded and smiled then ruffled up his hair at the back a little.  
"Hair."  
"It's lookin' good ain't it?"  
"Yes…How do you style it."  
"Have a shower in the morning, first thing. Comb it straight, blow dry it, straighten it a little. Nicky Clark's, hottest you can get. Trim any split ends, apply some Rootboost, maybe Goth Juice if I'm goin' for a heightened style and I occasionally apply Naboo's Miracle Wax."

"Uhm…Okay?"  
"What else do you need? Photos? I can get you photos, or I can pose for you. Whatever you need."  
"Right…Well, I think I have all I need. Thanks. I'll give you a call if I need anything else."  
"Alright, cheers."  
"Yeah, thanks."  
"I'll see ya later then, yeah?" He grinned while standing and pushing the chair back into it's place.  
"We all done here?" Nathan asked noticing Vince had stood up "Preacher man! How's it hangin?" He called to Dan also noticing he was sat at his desk.  
"Yeah, good thanks." Dan starred at his computer screen and typed away trying his best to ignore Nathan.  
"You comin' to my Trashbat party? Tomorrow yeah, everyone loved you in your Preacher gear last time! It was well stompin!"  
"Yeah…Maybe."  
"Get Jones to play yeah? I'll be busy, can't be the DJ all night."  
"Yeah…I'll tell him."  
"Give him my number yeah?" Nathan pulled out his mobile phone and selected one of the options "Here's my card." He printed a business card and handed it over to Dan "Cheers man, you're a star. Hey what's this? Vince's interview? Let's have a read then!" He leaned over Dan to read the screen "Pretty good stuff man." He nodded and stood back up straight.  
"Yeah, thanks."  
"I'd add this in though, yeah?" He pulled out Dan's chair with him still sat in it and sat down on his lap, he tapped away at the keyboard then began hammering at the keys "Hey Dan, I reckon you're PC is fucked up right?"  
"What have you done?" He asked pushing Nathan to the floor, he stood up quickly and pulled out his phone again.  
"Chill man, I got connections." He dialled a number and waited "Roy! You alright my IT geek? How's it hangin down at Reynholm Industries? Good yeah, alright. How's Denholm doin? Oh he's dead, oh right yeah I remember now." Vince watched Nathan with a slight smile on his face then turned to Dan who was starring back at his computer trying his best to un-freeze the screen.  
"You look like my mate Howard." He nodded at Dan who looked at him with a look of desperation.  
"You in work today? No, good. I got a job for ya mate. What was that?" He paused "Hang on I'll ask." He cupped a hand over his phone and looked at Dan "He said have you tried turning it off and on again?"


	4. Do I amaze you?

**Not too amazingly happy with this but I adore the title of it anyway haha XD  
Anyway yeah, enjoy xxx**

**Do I amaze you?**

Howard had sat at the counter for at least an hour after Vince had gone idly tapping a pen against the surface, the clocks on the wall were ticking louder than usual and the noise was starting to get to him. Eventually the small bell above the door rang out announcing a customer had actually walked in, Howard straightened up and dropped the pen which took a tumble down the side and eventually plummeted to the floor.  
"Hi there." A young woman dressed in a smart suit smiled back at Howard, she clutched her handbag with both hands, one on the side while the other crossed over her middle and clutched at the strap "Sorry to bother you, I'm looking for someone. I was hoping you could help?" She stopped at the counter and smiled warmly at Howard who grinned dizzily back.  
"Yes, who are you looking for?" He asked quickly trying not to stumble over his own words "Maybe I can help you out." He raised his eyebrows making the woman drop hers.  
"Yes, I'm looking for a...Sorry; this is going to sound absurd! But I'm looking for a goth."  
"Oh you're not looking for Vince Noir are you?" He asked sounding a little unenthusiastic and fed up.  
"No, no sorry I don't know him?"  
"Oh right, who are you looking for then?"  
"His name is Richmond."  
"Right…"  
"Have you had any goths in this morning?"  
"Not unless you count Vince but he flits between so many fashions it's hard to tell what he is one week and the next."  
"Oh okay, sorry to bother you then." The woman turned to leave making Howard snap into action, he dashed from around the counter and followed.  
"Hang on, I could keep an eye out for him maybe. If I see him, give you a ring?" The woman turned around and grinned again almost stumbling over her red high heeled shoes.  
"Oh yes that would be brilliant, let me give you my number. I'm Jen by the way." She held out a hand as she approached the counter again, Howard shook and didn't let go. Jen had to somehow shake her hand free, she smiled awkwardly and set her handbag down on the counter and began routing for a pen "You can never find anything in these bloody handbags." She complained while hopping from one foot to the next "And these bloody shoes!" She ripped one off and tossed it aside in the shop, soon the other followed "Sorry. Bought them today, perfect size but they just rub my feet to pieces!"  
"Ah…Right." Howard watched her as she finally found a pen and a small address book in her bag.  
"Here we go, let me just jot down my number for you." She scribbled down her name and some digits in neat handwriting and passed it over to Howard "Here you are, now if you see him please give me a ring. He's sort of gothic looking, talks quite deep and depressingly, dark straight hair, make up probably, stares off into the distance a lot before telling a life story. You can't miss him. His name is Richmond Avenal."  
"Yes you said, thanks. I'll keep an eye out for him."  
"Thank you." Jen smiled "I better be off…Sorry I didn't catch your name?"  
"Howard Moon." He smiled and shook her hand again, this time remembering to let go.  
"Nice to of met you and thank you Howard." She turned to grab her shoes and leave, she glanced back offering a wave before she exited through the door, Howard smiled to himself and placed the bit of paper she had handed him into her pocket.

Xxx

Another hour passed and still no sign of any customers, Nathan or Vince. Howard had found himself jumping up at the sight of someone passing by the shop window in hope that it was this Richmond guy so he could phone Jen and possibly speak to her again.  
After a while he got bored and decided to sit and read the paper, the bell above the shop door sounded again but he didn't bother to look up from his reading, instead he allowed the customer, whoever they were, to have a browse then decide they didn't want anything and leave. It always happened but he couldn't help feeling he was being watched, as he looked up he saw a dark purple velvet coat, some black trousers and shoes and jet-black hair.

"Vince?" He asked setting down the paper "Why did you change your clothes?" The man turned around to face Howard giving him a slight shock, the man wasn't Vince but matched the description Jen had given him perfectly "Sorry, who are you?"  
"I'm Richmond." He smiled pointing at himself then letting his arm flop back down by his side, Howard silently thanked God then made his way around the counter and over towards the goth.  
"Can I help you?"  
"Oh no, not really."  
"Right…"  
"What are you here for then?"  
"A place to hide I suppose."  
"From who?"  
"From Jen." Howard couldn't help but smile so looked down towards the floor and bit his lip.  
"Would you like some tea, Richmond?"  
"Oh yes, that would be lovely."  
"Great…I have to make a phone call first though."  
"Okay."

Xxx

"Richmond!" A female voice called above the ring of the bell above the door to the shop, Howard heard a small squeak come from the goth who reeled round in horror to see Jen stood in the doorway "What are you doing here?"  
"Having a cup of tea." He answered innocently while shrugging and taking another drink from his cup.  
"Howard, thank you so much for finding him." Jen thanked him as she approached then offered Richmond a slightly darker look "He hasn't been any trouble has he?"  
"Not really…"  
"Oh thank god. Come on, we need to get to work. Roy isn't in and Moss has been left on his own."  
"Why isn't Roy in?" Richmond asked trying to steer away from the subject of going back to work.  
"Called in and said he was ill. He's probably skiving." Jen rolled her eyes, Howard mimicked her knowing what it was like seeing as Vince was either always late for work or just didn't turn up at all "Now come on Richmond! Back to your room, now."  
"I don't want to go back in my room. I like being out of it."  
"Well, back to the office then! I haven't got time for this, I'm supposed to be at a meeting later with Douglas, god knows what he wants now. Probably to show me another dead fly on his windowsill." Jen shuddered slightly as she gripped her bag tighter and grabbed Richmond's arm with her free hand "Thank you so much Howard, if you ever need a favour doing in the future, you know anything to do with a comp-uter or something technical feel free to phone me."  
"Uh brilliant, okay. Nice to have met you Jen…And you Richmond."  
"Bye." Richmond said glumly "Hey, we've been invited to a party tomorrow, you should come. It'll be great!" He grinned through his make up if that were possible at Howard and awaited a reply.  
"I'll think about it."  
"Oh yes do come, that would be fun!" Jen added with a grin making Howard smile back.  
"Okay then, well you have my number and I have yours. When Vince gets back I'll phone you, if he can come too?"  
"Sure, why not!" Richmond smiled and turned to leave dragging Jen behind him on the way.  
"Bye then." Howard called quickly with a slight wave of his hand.  
"Yes, bye!" Jen called almost stumbling over her heels again as she was pulled out of the shop and back to work by Richmond.

Howard sat back down behind the counter and smiled to himself while searching for the piece of paper he had put back in his pocket with Jen's number on.


	5. Are you sure that it's plugged in?

**Thanks for the reviews, most people want more Richmond love so I shall have to arrange that for you all :) And some overall IT Crowd love! **

**Are you sure that it's plugged in?**

Nathan and Vince idly chatted with Ned and Rufus while Dan sat with Sasha the receptionist, after a while a buzz came from the door to the office signalling Roy had arrived.  
"Alright my techno-fucker?" Nathan bellowed as a man ascended the stairs with a bag slung over his shoulder, his t-shirt resembled a high level of pac man which caught Vince's attention making him grin stupidly.  
"Hey, Nathan." He replied in an Irish accent "Have you tried turning it off and on again?" He asked again taking the last few steps into the office.  
"Yeah now it won't turn on at all."  
"Are you sure that it's plugged in?" Dan sighed loudly and obviously as Roy sat at the computer and checked the plugs were in right.  
"Yep, checked all that man."  
"Alright, let's see what's happened then." Nathan watched him with deep interest while crossing his arms and rocking back and forth on his heels.  
"So, why no work today?"  
"Told Jen I was ill." Roy replied with a slight smile on his face "Completely fell for it."  
"Awesome, dude. Hey can you make it to my Trashbat party tomorrow?" Roy nodded while tapping a few buttons making the computer screen go blue "Brilliant, oh and Jen and Moss?"  
"Yeah they're both coming."  
"Richmond an' all yeah?"  
"Unfortunately." Roy muttered now making the screen go black, a loading bar flashed up in front of him as he waited.  
"Brilliant, you'll love Richmond, Vince. He's like you."  
"But you're obviously more cheerful." Roy added glancing at Vince.  
"Genius." Vince replied grinning and nodding still watching the computer screen which had now loaded properly.  
"There you go, sorted." Roy stood up and dragged his bag back over his shoulder.  
"Brilliant, thanks man. I owe you one, yeah?" Nathan patted him hard on the shoulder "I'll see you tomorrow then?" Roy nodded "Right, brilliant. Vince, fancy coming with me to sort out some business?"  
"What sort of business?"  
"Wait and see mother fucker!" He grinned madly and Vince nodded "Awesome, let's go then. Guys, keep it beautile yeah? Peace and fuckin; believe!"  
"Keep it foolish, Barley." Ned added while returning to his desk.  
"Will do ma man and see you lot tomorrow night. You too Preacher man, lookin' forward to it!"

Xxx

Vince and Nathan wandered idly down the street, the mod looked over Nathan a couple of times at the way he moved and talked and the clothes he wore, they weren't amazingly stylish but he still liked them.  
"Where we off to then?" He asked after a while of Nathan slapping stickers on everything again.  
"To Jones' place."  
"Oh right." Vince nodded as though he knew what Nathan was talking about, he was excited to be meeting new people, he loved it but couldn't help but wonder what Howard was getting up to in the shop "So this party, what's it for? And where is it?"  
"Velvet Onion, yeah? Know it?"  
"Yeah, me and Howard do gigs there sometimes."  
"Ah genius! You should get up on stage at the party, spit some lyrics, y'know?"  
"We'll think about it." He nodded and stuck his hands into the pockets on his coat "What's the party for?" He tried again.  
"To promote Trashbat but mostly cos I can. It's cool y'know? Gotta keep my status up there, can't disappoint. You get what I mean?"  
"Completely." Vince smiled warmly then transferred his grin to a lady who had just passed him, she flashed one back making Nathan elbow the mod in the ribs.  
"Get in there, Vince." He winked and sped up to a door then hammered on it as loud as he could.  
"I'm coming!" Came a yell over some loud thumping music, Vince could feel the floor vibrating slightly under his feet, soon the door flung open and revealed Claire looking exhausted, fed up and murderous "You're supposed to be working!"  
"Yeah laters babes. I'm here to see Jones." Nathan announced pushing past her, she rolled her eyes and invited Vince in.  
"Since when do you come here to see Jones?"  
"Need a DJ for my party don't I? Can't do it myself as I'll be a bit tied up that night, sorry to disappoint. Plus he owes me a favour." The floor beneath Vince vibrated even harder, the music pumped through the air shaking every object in sight, he looked at Claire who seemed desperate.  
"Bit loud in't it?" He shouted before following Nathan into the lounge where he saw a man stood in the corner with headphones on, he was covered in wires and gadgets and was hovering over a set of decks with his eyes shut clearly too involved in the music.  
"Oi Jones!" Nathan yelled but got no response, he shouted again until Claire decided to quickly unplug the whole DJ deck causing Jones to protest angrily.  
"Ah what the fuck Claire! I was on to something then!" He removed his headphones and let them rest round his neck "Alright Barley?" He noticed Nathan and gave him a single nod "Alright?" He nodded once at Vince too who grinned back at the DJ but noticed he was frowning "He looks a lot like me." He pointed out while plugging his decks back in.  
"No way, check out my hair compared to yours, yours ain't no where near as heightened or straightened. You need some Rootboost." Vince complained placing one hand on his hip "And those clothes? They're all right but not as flash as the mirror ball suit." Barley nodded and grinned stupidly then decided to change the subject.  
"Jones I have a proposition for you mate."  
"Mate?" Claire half laughed and slumped down onto the sofa with her laptop on her lap.  
"And what would that be?" Jones asked while changing a record on his deck.  
"DJ at my Trashbat party tomorrow?" Jones stayed quiet for a while thinking then nodded an 'alright' "Genius! Thank you, I'll stick you on the posters and stuff, yeah?" Jones nodded then turned to Vince.  
"You look like you're pretty into music, check this one out, yeah? I need an opinion on it." He forced the headphones over Vince's ears and without warning pressed the play button, the music screeched down Vince's ear lobes distressing his eardrums, he gripped the headphones and bobbed his head along to the music sticking his thumb up, when Jones removed the headphones he panicked slightly.  
"Vince, what's wrong?" Claire asked suddenly quite concerned, she had dropped her laptop next to her and was on her feet next to the mod laying a hand on his shoulder.  
"What?" He yelled back rubbing his ears.  
"No need to shout Vince!" Nathan laughed slightly nervously.  
"What?" He yelled again "I can't hear you!"  
"What _can_ you hear?" Claire asked a little louder hoping he could either lip read or hear her a little.  
"What? I can't hear you, all I can hear is ringing!"  
"Shit." Claire mumbled reaching for her coat and keys "Come on." She gripped his hand, again he yelled a 'what' while being dragged out of the flat "Nathan, Jones, come on!" Nathan hesitated to tell Jones to come, he had put his headphones back on and hadn't heard her, instead he left him and ran out the door.  
"Where we goin?" He asked catching up to her.  
"Vince can't hear anything, I'm taking him to the hospital."


	6. The Velvet Onion

**I apologise for the amazingly stupid wait there's been between the last chapter and this chapter. I've been more into writing DR Who stuff than this (which will probably be updated after I've watched the Who tonight)**

**Oh and this is a boring little in-between chapter before Darkplace xxx**

**The Velvet Onion**

As soon as Howard had shut the shutters and locked the front door to the shop he got a phone call from Bob Fossil, his ex-boss had practically screamed down the phone at him before he even had chance to utter a 'hello'.  
"Moon! I need both you and Vincey down here pronto!" He bellowed making Howard hold the phone away from his ear slightly.  
"What for, Mr Fossil?" He replied calmly trying not to loose his temper with the deranged man on the other end of the phone.  
"For this party tonight. Now as your manager I'm telling you to get both your asses down here pronto and help sort this place out!" The phone clicked off leaving Howard to slam it back down on the counter.

Xxx

When Howard arrived at the Velvet Onion alone, Fossil was more than annoyed to see there was no Vince Noir with him.  
"Moon! What did I tell you? Are you dumb as well as thick?" Howard took a second to roll the sentence over in his mind but it didn't make any sense "I told you to bring Vincey."  
"I don't know where he is, his phone is switched off Mr. Fossil."  
"Then get to work!"  
"By doing what, exactly?"  
"Clean the place up a bit, blow some balloons up, decorate…You know? Make it look like there's a party goin' on here!" Fossil headed off towards his office leaving Howard in the club with three other people. Two he knew from the Shaman council and the other he had never met before in his life, deciding he didn't like the Shaman much as they were both arguing he wandered over to the man working by the speakers and DJ booth.

"Hi there, Howard Moon, where ya from?" He spoke smoothly and smiled at the man who peered up over his glasses almost uncomfortably.  
"Uhm, oh, you know? Around."  
"What you workin' on there?"

"A simple connection really. I'm wiring up these speakers to all the other's in the club and creating a circuit so they all flow in a continuous route." Howard stared with a blank expression at the man "I'm connecting all the speakers to the decks."

"Oh. I see." Howard nodded his head and watched as the man effortlessly fiddled with wires inside the speakers "So…You know Bob Fossil?"  
"Oh no not really. He's agreed to allow Nathan Barley to have his party here tonight and Nathan knows me so I agreed to sort out the technical side to tonight's events." Howard shuddered slightly at the mention of Nathan and decided to try phoning Vince again.

Xxx

"Damn, Vince!" He muttered slamming the disconnect button on his phone making the man look up.  
"Trouble?"  
"Yeah, my friend's phone is switched off."  
"Ah." The man went back to fiddling with the speakers creating a high pitch squeal from them making everyone in the club cover their ears and complain about the noise "Sorry about that." The man apologised once he got the sound under control "Feedback…It's a motherflipper!"

"Yeah…" Howard nodded almost uncertainly then turned his attention toward the two Shaman who were screaming at each other even louder.  
"Oh, don't mind them. They've been at it ever since they arrived."

"Going at it over what?" Howard asked looking slightly confused and annoyed.

"Over who should DJ tonight."  
"Oh."  
"Neither of them know that Nathan has already arranged a DJ." The man laughed slightly but Howard looked back completely dazed "Right, this should all be working now." He lifted up the large speaker and set it next to the DJ booth then wandered over to the Shaman "Uh, excuse me, yes, hello?" He caught their attention and both starred back almost angrily "The speakers are working so if one of you'd like to test them?"

"Alright son, I'll give it a go." One of the Shaman replied, a small pink head with tentacles.  
"How are you going to get over to the decks you berk." The other Shaman replied, one with a long cloak and feather in his hat.  
"I have my ways."  
"Right. Well if you think I'm carrying you, you've got another thing coming." And with that the taller Shaman got up and headed toward the decks carrying with him a box of records.

Xxx

Music blared out of the club catching the attention of Fossil who emerged from his office, he strolled up to the man and shook his hand firmly then began barking orders at the worker's that had only just walked through the door. Howard was ordered to begin decorating with the help of the man so together and reluctantly they blew up balloons and hung posters and banners.  
"Oh, I didn't catch your name." Howard began while tying helium balloons to a couple of the chairs.  
"It's Maurice Moss, but people just call me Moss. Nice to meet you, Howard." They both shook hands and carried on with the work almost against their own will.

**Apologies if some of the character's are off, I can't write 'geek language' very well XD **


	7. Greetings friend

**Okay so if you haven't watched Garth Marenghi's Darkplace even once this is going to confuse the hell out of you!  
I've stuck to the way they filmed Darkplace including the little interviews randomly in the middle of scenes and I've kept in Dagless' own thoughts. **

**My main hope is that the characters are okay. Oh and I finally own the Darkplace DeanVD ;D Yay  
Oh and I hope the lame attempt at writing an extract from Garth's 'books' is ok XD  
Can you tell I'm worried about this chapter? 8-) Oh and this isn't set in the 1980s because that would be a bit impossible!**

**Greeting's friend**

He stared at his hands and reached up to his perfect cheeks with his finger tips. His flesh was burning…Burning. Burning. Burning. Burning. Burning. Burning…And felt rather itchy and irritating. He scratched at the flaming skin only to come away with a handful of sticky, stinking, scorching flesh.

Greeting's traveller, I'm Garth Marenghi. Author, visionary, dream-weaver plus actor. Many of you will remember me from my television series, Darkplace, where I played a Vietnam and Falklands War Veteran and former warlock known as Dr. Rick Dagless, MD back in the 1980s.  
Now I bring you this episode of the mighty collaboration of four or five different shows, which I was asked personally by the producer's to write. So pull up a chair, sofa, deck-chair or stool, whatever's handy, get some pop-corn, draw the curtains, maybe nip for a toilet break, come back and pop the kettle on then sit back and enjoy tonight's instalment.

Xxx

"Nathan! Will you forget about slapping those posters and leaflets everywhere?" Claire yelled as she dragged Vince through the sliding automatic doors of the hospital "Hurry up!" She tried again; soon he caught up but still passed out leaflets and stickers.

Claire gripped Nathan's arm and pulled both men up to the reception in the Accident and Emergency department.  
"Excuse me." She called to a tall man who had his back to her standing completely still "Excuse me." She tried again and the man turned round giving her a blank stare "Hello, my friend here…I think his ear drums might have burst."  
"What?" Vince yelled pressing a finger to his ear trying to stop the ringing sensation.  
"I see. I'll page Dr. Sanchez for you. He will be here in a second, take a seat."

Xxx

**Garth Marenghi**: Dean approached me with a proposition, he wanted to bring Darkplace back to life, as did I. I agreed to write and star in an episode or two of this…Huge collaboration of programmes. I was thrilled. Obviously.

**Dean Learner**: Now I'd never worked with Mr Vince…What was his last name again? What was it? (Looks behind the camera) Noir. Yes, I've never worked with a Vince Noir before, thank you, and don't get me wrong he was a lovely guy to work with but he couldn't pretend that he was deaf.

**Marenghi**: Yes, I remember it being extremely hard to actually get him to pretend he couldn't hear anything.

**Learner**: I remember walking to the nearest Tesco just to buy a pair of earplugs. I stormed straight up to him, clearly you could tell I was fed up of it already, he wasn't doing as he was being asked and after the hundredth or so take everyone was getting a little bit frustrated, so I stormed right up to him and forced these little yellow plugs into his hand instructing him to stick them in his ears.

**Marenghi**: They worked perfectly. He was brilliant after that.

**Learner**: A completely transformed actor thanks to those earplugs.

Xxx

"Thank you." Claire smiled at the man on reception while pulling Vince over to some chairs beckoning Nathan to follow "I swear its like babysitting. And where's Jones? This is as much his fault as yours!" She practically yelled at Nathan earning a few unimpressed looks from staff and patients.  
"Trashbat.cock yeah? Check it out!" Claire sighed heavily and crossed her arms finding herself watching the clock opposite.

Xxx

_My name's Dr. Rick Dagless. MD. I've just been informed someone is constantly screaming over and over again in reception_ it's disrupting the other patients and basically giving the staff a headache. The nurses informed me they're all at their wits end_, I'm on my way down there to calm the situation down but first there's _something I_ need to introduce to a special friend._

"Hey there, sport." Dr Dagless smiled as he opened the door to a side room on the children's ward, he sat on the bed quickly smiling at a brown haired young boy.  
"Hello Dr. Dagless." The child smiled back.  
"How are we feeling today?" His voice was slightly hushed, gentle and a little bit patronising but the child didn't mind.  
"I'm ok. Bit bored."  
"That's why I brought you this." Dagless pulled a cuddly toy from his white doctor's coat, he passed it to the boy who grinned widely and hugged the toy rabbit "I thought you'd like it."  
"Thank you doctor Dagless!"  
"Don't mention it. Look, I've got to go see to someone in reception but I'll swing by later to check up on you, okay champ?" The child nodded.  
"Thank you, doctor!"  
"Don't mention it." He repeated while getting up and heading toward the door, before leaving he turned to salute the child who saluted back.

_I was on my way to reception. I could hear someone shouting 'what' over and over again, someone was obviously deaf. When I reached the A&E waiting area I saw Dr. Sanchez had already approached the situation and was trying to shut the patient up, a woman with black hair sat with another woman, maybe her lover. I couldn't be sure._

"What's all the commotion?" Dr. Dagless asked as he approached Vince, Claire and Dr. Sanchez.  
"He can't hear anything." Sanchez informed him while pointing at Vince who shouted a loud and clear 'what' again.

_So it was a man and not a woman. I was wrong. But as a professional I kept the embarrassment to myself and didn't let it distract my work._

"Okay then, do you want to come this way over to a cubicle?" Claire pulled Vince to his feet dragging Nathan behind as they followed the two doctors; they headed straight down the corridor then turned sharply into one of the curtained cubicles throwing back the flowery patterned curtain "Here will do. Pop yourself down on the bed." He reached inside his white coat and brought out a tool that resembled a small hand-held microscope.

"What's that for?" Vince screamed as he was pushed onto the bed by a frustrated looking Claire.  
"This is an Otoscope." Dagless informed him "I'm going to use it to look into your ears.  
"No point telling that to him, he can't hear you." Sanchez pointed out before Vince had a chance to utter the word 'what'. Dagless placed the tool to Vince's ear and peered through then journeyed round the bed to check the other ear, eventually he straightened up and slipped the tool away.  
"The inner ear on both sides look agitated, has he been subjected to loud noise?"  
"Yes. Unfortunately we live with a DJ." Claire informed them "He slipped the headphones over Vince's ears and played his god awful music to him. Now all he can hear is ringing."

"Mmm yes, so it would seem." Dagless turned to the other doctor "What do you suggest?"  
"Aspirin for the pain. If there is any pain."  
"Yes, the ringing should cease soon. If you don't mind waiting I'll get the aspirin for you."  
"Thanks, that would be great."

Xxx

**Marenghi**: Now I just thought I'd point out that Madeleine Wool, the actress who plays Dr. Liz Asher doesn't actually appear in this…Collaboration, if you will. And that is because…She is still missing, presumed dead even.

**Learner**: Yes it is a great shame she couldn't join us on set for a reunion, sort of, of the Darkplace cast. It is a great shame. And I distinctly remember Vince coming up to me that day begging for a break from shouting.

**Marenghi**: Yes I think we might have damaged his vocal chords that day.

**Learner**: We got some great footage though, didn't we?

**Marenghi**: Oh yes, brilliant footage.

Xxx

_As I left the strangely dressed man, the frustrated girl who looked as though someone had pissed in her cornflakes and the guy who was sticking these little yellow circles everywhere, I caught sight of a patient out of bed that wasn't supposed to be. But upon closer inspection this patient was no ordinary patient.  
This patient had six more arms._

"What in hell's fire has happened to you?" Dagless stood with his feet slightly apart and his fists clenched starring at the oddly shaped patient in front of him, Sanchez appeared behind him with one eyebrow slightly higher than the other.  
"What on god's earth?"  
"I don't know what that is…But it's definitely half human half spider."


	8. I'm Garth Marenghi

**Right first I'm amazingly sorry for the huge wait between this chapter on the last, it's been a rough couple of weeks and I haven't been in the right mood to write this...I still don't think I'm in the right mood but we'll see how this chapter goes.  
The party is coming up quickly (though judging by my mood it will be a while off) so that means the end lol  
And I've been thinking about a sequel to 'Safety Net' though it may not happen as it's been debated in my head so much but again it depends as my emotions sort of fuel that type of story but now I'm rambling on.  
So yes sorry about the wait...But enjoy this xxx  
**

**I'm Garth Marenghi**

_The half man half spider was progressing towards us, we were frozen on the spot with nothing available at hand to defend ourselves with. What we needed was a large glass and a novelty sized sheet of cardboard with which to trap the creature in. But this was a hospital not a pest control centre.  
Luckily Thornton Reed, the hospital's administrator, appeared in time with a tranquilliser gun to hand._

"Sleep tight." Thornton Reed mumbled as he clicked the tranquilliser releasing a dart into the back of the half man half spider, it slumped to the floor obediently and Reed lowered the gun and after a long pause spoke "That was close. Now what we gonna do about him?" He nodded once at the creature on the floor "He's out cold and probably will be for the next ten minutes." He spoke quickly and in a slight mono-tone voice.  
"We need to get him, it, she, whatever away from the ward and patients." Sanchez stated in a loud booming voice while Dagless nodded. A long pause hung in the air between the three men.  
"Good idea. Take him to a side room and keep him monitored." Thornton Reed slung the gun over his shoulder and walked away down the corridor leaving Sanchez and Dagless to take care of the creature.

Xxx

**Garth Marenghi**: Now we didn't want to show Dagless and Sanchez taking the spider man to a side room as it took too much time up and the budget was limited. Though I don't think the audience needs to see that to be perfectly honest. They just don't need it. I didn't and don't see the point in showing two men pick up a half man half spider and carry him into a room.

**Dean Learner**: Yes I quite agree.

Xxx

_Myself and Sanchez hid the creature away in a side room and hurriedly left making sure the door was locked behind us, I then remembered my duty as a Doctor and quickly headed off to retrieve the medication I promised the girly looking man._

"Sorry I was a while." Dagless announced pulling back the curtain to where Vince was sat still yelling, Claire was looking flustered and annoyed and Nathan was busily pressing keys on his mobile phone "Here's the medication. It should stop any pain but I'm not sure how long the ringing will last."  
"What did you say?" Vince yelled making them all jump around the bed in alarm, Dagless ignored him and didn't raise his voice.  
"There was a slight predicament with a patient myself and Sanchez had to attend to." Suddenly an alarm sounded from within the hospital making the patients fall silent and emerge from their cubicles or rooms to see what all the fuss was about "Stay here." Dagless informed as he left to investigate.

Xxx

**Learner**: The alarm was something Rivers suggested wasn't it?

**Marenghi**: Yes it was actually. He said to me, he said Garth…We need an alarm in this episode. And I replied with…Yes, you genius. We do. And we did, we put it in. It created a good effect I'd say.

**Learner**: Yes but I got many comments from fans asking what the alarm was for. You're a bit of an idiot to be honest if you don't know. It signalled the spider creature had escaped. Anyone could understand that but no not these idiots.

**Marenghi**: Yes I don't understand why people were confused by the alarm. It's a simple noise that rings throughout a building giving a headache to everyone near it.

**Learner**: (Nodding) Yes, quite a simple device.

**Marenghi**: Worked well though.

**Learner**: Oh yeah.

Xxx

"Dagless, Sanchez we've got a problem. The spider man has escaped and is somewhere in the building. We need to find it and contain it, possibly even kill it before it bites people." Reed spoke in a fast pace and stared at Sanchez before him.  
"We can't kill it." Dagless announced while standing and gazing out the window.  
"And why not?"  
"We could cure it. There might be a cure. We might know someone with a cure."  
"And who would that be?"  
"A great man…"  
"Who, Dagless?" Sanchez chipped in looking from his boss to his friend and colleague. Dagless turned round slowly and looked at them both then in a quiet and hushed voice he replied.  
"The Doctor."

Xxx

**Marenghi**: Now I wasn't going to include Doctor Who at first because it's nothing compared to Darkplace. Doctor Who is a kitten with a ball of yarn compared to Darkplace but the producers insisted I wrote it in.

**Learner**: And paid extra.

**Marenghi**: And paid extra yes. So I did but only briefly. I'm not entirely happy about it but what can you do? That's writing for you isn't it.

**Learner**: Bloody Doctor Who. (Shakes his head disapprovingly)

Xxx

_I knew how to contact the Doctor. I had been a companion of his for a while and had travelled around, even saved the world with him and before I left to come back to the hospital I gave him a mobile phone insisting I'd call him if I ever really needed him. And right now, I needed him._

Xxx

**Marenghi**: Many people thought I'd copied the end of season three finale of Doctor Who where the companion, don't know her name, what was it? (Looks at Learner)

**Learner**: Martha Jones.

**Marenghi**: Yes Martha Jones, where she gives him a mobile. It's in no way connected and isn't copied I can assure you.

**Learner**: Really?

**Marenghi**: (Pauses) Yes.

Xxx

"And who is this Doctor?" Sanchez asked clearly interested straight away.  
"I travelled with him once. He can help us, I believe in him."  
"Then contact him. Straight away." Reed ordered while sitting down calmly in his chair behind his desk.  
"Ok, I will." Dagless pulled a phone from his inside pocket and dialled a number then straight away spoke "Hello, Doctor?" He paused for a second "Yeah, we need you at the hospital." Dagless nodded and mumbled 'ok' and 'yeah' then cut the call "He said he'll be with us once he's parked the Tardis suitably."

_Now he was coming I knew we'd be okay._


	9. Author, visionary

**The last chapter with Darkplace in it, next up is the party - hopefully - which should be fun and huge to write!**  
**The fairytale is taking over my writing of this, I find fairytales more fun to write x) But I shan't neglect this! xxx**

**Author, visionary, dream-weaver and actor**

_I heard the oh so familiar sounds of the Tardis approaching. A terrible draft whipped up from no where then in the corner of Reed's office stood the blue Police box and out jumped a man wearing a long brown coat, his hair was brown and stuck up at odd angles, on his feet he wore strange pumps and he wore a blue suit with a red tie. Overall he looked pretty smart but his face had changed long since I last saw him._

"Hello there Garth! Long time no see."  
"Yes Doctor, you've changed." Dagless replied to the tall man who shrugged one shoulder and grinned back.  
"Oh you know how it is…What with us lot regenerating near death and all that…So what's the problem? I assume you didn't invite me over for a simple cup of tea. Which would be nice by the way." The Doctor directed the last sentence at Thornton Redd who reached onto his desk and pulled up a paper cup.  
"Yes, where are my manners? Here you are." He handed the cup over to the Doctor who thanked him and drank from it quickly.  
"Now, down to business." He said eventually "What's the problem?"

Xxx

**Marenghi: **We decided not to prat around with gathering a cup, a kettle, some water, tea bag, milk and all the other necessary ingredients for a cup of tea. We felt that would take up too much film time.

**Learner: **And there was the budget to think about of course.

**Marenghi: **Yes and that unfortunately, but I don't think you even need to show Reed making a cup of tea. Who wants to see that? Not me that's for sure, and certainly not our viewers.

Xxx

_As soon as I had explained to the Doctor about the spider-man loose in the hospital he set to work straight away. He scoured the corridors and wards greeting patients as he passed. He was always a cheery fellow even when looking for strange creatures in hospitals. _

"What will we do when we find it?" Dagless asked in a hushed voice while following the Doctor with Sanchez at his side.  
"Uhm…I'll think of that when I get to it."  
"You mean you don't have a plan?" Sanchez asked quickly a little shocked.  
"No not really. I just sort of make it up as I go along. Best way that is." The Doctor grinned and turned a corner making his way into the Accident and Emergency ward when suddenly a woman flung back a curtain and headed straight for the doctors.  
"Doctor?"  
"Yes?" All three replied in unison and smiled at her.  
"I only need one doctor…I want to know when my friend can be discharged now he has the medicine."  
"You're friend is?" The Doctor asked quickly before either Dagless or Sanchez could reply.  
"Vince Noir."  
"Right…Uhh…Dagless? Your patient?"  
"Yes and yes he can be discharged, you can go whenever you're ready."  
"Thank you." The woman smiled and returned to her friend in one of the cubicles.  
"Aha!" The Doctor suddenly called and set off jogging down the corridor "This way! Allons-y!"

Xxx

**Marenghi: **Originally I didn't want to include the 'Allons-y' but the actor, who played the Doctor, insisted we slipped it in.

**Learner: **I told him no, this is an English show, it isn't French but no he insisted. In the end I think he slipped it in himself and after the eighth take we got bored of it and I was getting frustrated so eventually we sacked him.

**Marenghi: **Yes but luckily we had filmed pretty much everything we needed for that show.

**Learner: **Yes otherwise I wouldn't have sacked him and we would have had to put up with him for longer.

Xxx

_The Doctor flew down corridors and flung himself round corners, Sanchez and myself kept up the pace with him brilliantly. We eventually stopped and found him starring at the spider-man who was glaring back while hissing at the time traveller._

"Hello there, oh aren't you beautiful!" The Doctor cooed, Sanchez gave Dagless a confused look but he waved it away and continued watching "Why don't you come with me? We can find a nice place for you to live! I'll take you away from this nasty hospital." The Doctor took a step forward but suddenly stopped as a gunshot rang out through the corridor. He starred in alarm at the spider-man who dropped down to the floor stone dead. The Doctor glanced up from the dead body and saw Thornton Reed this time with a smoking shotgun slung over his shoulder and a cigar in his mouth "What did you do that for?" He bellowed, anger clearly showing on his features.  
"You didn't get rid of him so I did it for you." Reed took several steps forward before the Doctor stopped him.  
"Get away from me! I don't like people near me with guns." The time traveller stooped and checked the pulse of the spider creature but got nothing.

Xxx

**Learner: **(While laughing) We originally didn't intend for the spider to be killed.

**Marenghi: **(Also begins laughing)

**Learner: **I turned to Garth when we were out of ear shot of the Doctor Who actor and I said to him, I said Garth…Kill he spider-man and he looked at me, smiled, took the script from my hands that I was holding at the time and went to edit it with some tipex and a biro. The end result was fabulous!

**Marenghi: **Brilliant!

Xxx

Dagless headed up toward the roof of the hospital and gazed out at the town below him. The sun was just setting in the sky.

_The Doctor left not too long after the spider creature had been shot. He was furious, I could tell but Reed did what he had to do. He had to guard the patients in his hospital. And of course Won Ton had informed him to dispose of the creature so of course Reed had to obey.  
Now as I stand up here and think of the spider-man I can't help but think about the Doctor and all the great adventures we once had together.  
I have a feeling he may return though; he left his brown coat._

Dagless looked down toward the entrance of the hospital and noticed the three people he had seen to in the cubicle in the afternoon.

_There goes the girly looking man with his two friends still shouting 'what' over the ringing in his ears. Those people were among many who were saved by Thornton Reed from the spider creature. What did the Doctor do? Sod all that's what._

Xxx

**Marenghi: **Well I hoped you enjoyed the episode I wrote for this large collaboration, it has been fun and…Yeah that's it really.

**Learner: **We would say see you next series but I doubt there will be a second series of Darkplace after so long.

**Marenghi: **Mmm I doubt you'll ever see us again…Ever.

**Learner: **(Aside) Well no, you'll be on my show, Man to Man with Dean Learner with the rest of the cast from this television special.

**Marenghi: **Oh right…No one told me about that.

**Learner: **I did…I told you last week.

**Marenghi: **Did you? (Learner nods) Oh well…See you there then viewers!

**Learner: **Yes and thank you for watching Darkplace again and don't forget to catch Man to Man with Dean Learner which will be on in…Is it one week or two weeks time? (To someone off camera) Two? Maybe more? Right well…Just look out for the adverts on Channel four.


	10. Party

**Don't really like this...I think the characters are off and it's just...Blah but it's being posted because I need to get my arse in gear and get it written and finished.  
Amazingly amazingly sorry for the amazingly stupid long wait x) But it's here now and it's dedicated to ButtonsMagoo because she suggested I write it when I didn't know which to write x) **

**But now I'm rambling...So disclaimer as usual, I don't own any of the shows, only the boxsets :)  
Should be one more chapter after this then I'll _think _about writing the Man to Man chapters...Not sure about them yet...Anyway, on with the show **

**xxx**

**Party**

When eight o'clock came around the Velvet Onion was already alive with music, lights and drinking. Guests were laughing and dancing while some were chatting loudly with Nathan in a corner who was showing off his mobile phone.  
Vince was dancing madly with an alcohopop in his hand spilling the blue stuff everywhere, he had insisted on going home from the hospital and getting ready for a further two or so hours before he made an entrance to the party.  
Howard stood by the bar with the lady from the shop, Jen who had given up her chase of Richmond earlier on in the day and had decided to get ready for the party.  
Richmond had gone straight for the bar and ordered Absinthe which he took in shots against Roy while Moss watched with a White Russian in his hand. The crew of SUGARape were mingled in with the crowd along with Claire who was trying to talk to Nathan but found it difficult with the mass of girls around him obsessed with his 'phone'. Instead she opted for Vince who looked like he needed a break from alcohol and dancing.

"Hey Vince." She smiled while taking a sip of the drink in her own hand.  
"Oh hey!" Slurred Vince pointing his bottle in her direction "Come on Claire, lesh danche!"  
"I think you've done too much dancing, wanna go outside for a bit?"  
"Nah, nah! I wanna danche!" Claire sighed and rolled her eyes, she was sick of men who got drunk all the time.  
"What do you think of Jones' music then?"  
"S'alright." Vince replied banging his head in time with the beats pulsing through the club. Claire glanced around and spotted Bob Fossil, the owner, dancing topless atop a table surrounded by other dancers who held up their glasses in a toast like way.  
"Come on, you need a breather." Claire grasped Vince's arm making his drink slip from his fingers and dragged him toward the doors and into the cool night air.  
"S'nice on me face." Vince mumbled leaning back against the dirty brick wall with his eyes closed letting the breeze cool his sweating skin.  
"Yeah." Claire replied while gazing up and down the street "You didn't see my brother in there did you?"  
"I saw lotsa people." Vince shrugged still with his eyes shut then slid down the wall to sit on the floor.  
"Never mind, there he is." Claire pointed across the street as her brother approached with his hands stuck in his pockets, Vince opened one eye in her direction and leant his head forward off the wall.  
"That's Howard."  
"No, it isn't." Claire mumbled "Hey Dan, nice of you to finally join us. Coming in?"  
"Suppose so." Her brother half shrugged clearly not bothered while she pulled Vince up off the floor "How much has he had? It's only about half eight."  
"I ain't drunk!" Vince protested while pulling Claire back into the club with Dan following.

"So, where do you work?" Howard asked trying to spark up a conversation between himself and Jen over the loud music.  
"Oh I work at Renholm industries, yeah; I'm head of the IT department. Very important job and…stuff. Yeah." Jen trailed off and took a large gulp of her drink "How about you? Just that little shop?"  
"Yeah, I run it for Naboo when he's away on important business. Big job too, important being in charge." Howard now took a mouthful of his drink nearly finishing it off trying to block out the insane pumping beats from the DJ deck.

"Oi mate, you're crap get off it's the H-man's turn to shine."  
"You what?" Jones asked pulling down his headphones "I don't think so. This is the new rave breakthrough! They're lovin' it see!"  
"I don't think so sunshine."  
"Who are you anyway?"  
"Tony Harrison." The pink head in front of Jones smiled madly "Hop it, it's our turn to spin those decks."  
"Whatever mate." Jones lifted his headphones back up and carried on with his job.

"One, two, three!" Moss yelled over the loud music, he burst into laughter as Roy and Richmond both slammed their empty shot glasses down on the bar then shuddered "One more, one more!"  
"No way Moss it'll kill me!" Roy replied "You have one."  
"But I've already got a drink." Moss replied bluntly taking another mouthful of his own, before he could add anything else a drunken feminine looking male stumbled up to the bar and hung his arms round Roy and Richmond's necks.  
"I'll 'ave one!" He slurred finding it hard to stand up.  
"Who are you?" Richmond asked reaching for the bottle of Absinthe on the bar top.  
"Vinsh Nur, duh!"  
"He is drunk out of his mother-fudging mind!" Moss joked as he watched Vince clumsily climb onto a bar stool at the bar.  
"Drink." The drunken Electro Poof pointed simply at the empty shotglass awaiting the alcohol.  
"Alright, just one." Richmond warned pouring three glasses full and handing one to Roy and one to Vince. Moss counted again and all three downed their glasses, Vince was the last to drop his to the table. He blinked rapidly and swayed a little before pointing at the bottle for another "I think you've had enough." Richmond said then feeling a little drunk himself pulled Vince up off his feet and away from the bar.  
"Wanna dansh?" Vince asked pulling the goth onto the dance floor, they soon disappeared into a crowd of drunken dancers.

During the early hours of the morning the party guests began filing out of the club, Fossil warned the drunken Howard and Nathan that they would have to clear the venue up later on then stumbled off to his office.  
"That was one sick party, Nathan!" One guest called while leaving the place.  
"Cheers! Peace and fuckin' mate! So, where we crashin'?" Nathan asked turning to Claire, Dan, Howard, Jen, Moss and Roy who all shrugged in a tipsy way.  
"Let's go back to Trashbat towers." A small lisped voice called, Naboo stood behind them with Bollo. His turban was slightly wonky and his eyes were glazed over in a drugged up sort of way.  
"Fuckin' sorted! Come on then." Nathan lead the way out of the club with each of them following "We are all gonna 'ave one massive headache tomorrow aye Preacher man?" He swung an arm round Dan's shoulder pulling him down to Nathan's height.  
"Yeah, sure."


End file.
